To commemorate 20 great years since I married my college sweetheart, I took some time this week to think through some of lessons that I’ve learnt about marriage. The biggest one is that the pathway to love is not what we thought it was! Let me explain…
Twenty plus years ago, like any typical dating couple, we did some rather unconventional things! Have you ever seen a guy outside a dress shop carrying a ladies handbag as the girl he loves looks at and even tries out different outfits? That was me. Little did she know then that I hate window-shopping! She was no different; she sat with my friends and watched the rugby games I played in. Little did I know that watching sports was not on her top one hundred favorite things!
A big complaint in marriages today is that people no longer feel the same way about each other as they did when dating. Or do the same things. Somehow, they figure, the love must have run out along the way.
The problem however is in our definition of love. If you ask people what love is, you’ll get definitions that have to do with feelings – like ‘love is holding her hand and feeling your heart skip a beat’, or ‘love is gazing tenderly into his eyes’. Or as one person put it, ‘love is a feeling you feel when you feel that your are about to feel a feeling that you’ve never felt before’!
But the bible’s definition is radically different! As 1 Corinthians 13 (the famous ‘love chapter’) says ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.’
Have you noticed none of these things are ‘fun’ or ‘romantic’? Love is a dramatic action of giving despite my feelings. And the only way I can offer such unconditional love is because I have experienced the same love from my heavenly Father!
The interesting thing is that as we begin to embrace God’s definition of love – something begins to happen in our marriage. We stop trying to turn the other person into something they’re not. We accept them as flawed people who have been loved by God. And they accept us too in the same way. And true love begins to flourish, in the only atmosphere it can – one of kindness, forgiveness and acceptance.
So… you need to determine even before you begin the journey together that divorce is not an option. I like a bumper sticker I saw once that read, ‘be patient with me, God is not finished with me yet!’ Don’t be fooled; every marriage faces problems. But the paradox is that it’s only as we allow God to use us to bless the other person regardless of how we feel, that we eventually find fulfillment, joint purpose and true intimacy with our partner.
Okay, I need to say this…
I truly love you Carol. You are my lover, helpmate, partner, fellow dreamer, co-creator, mother of our lovely children and purpose companion. The last twenty years have been more than incredible and I’m amazed at God’s genius in giving me you. May the next 20 be even more awesome! Also, I hid this little nugget deep in the post to see if you’d read it till the end 🙂
Where was I? Oh yes, we’ve even written a couple of books together based on the lessons we’ve learnt in our relationship and marriage! ‘Ndoa’ is a ten-week course for couples preparing for marriage, or for already marrieds who want to strengthen their foundation. ‘Finders Keepers’ helps you figure out how to find and keep the love of a lifetime. You can get any of these from the bookstore at any of the Mavuno campuses.
True love was not what we thought it was; it turned out to be much harder but ultimately much sweeter. God bless!