February is the month of love. And love is such a beautiful thing! Scientists tell us that when you fall in love, chemicals called neutrophines and dopamines are released in your brain giving you a permanent high. Scientists have compared falling in love with taking heroin or having obsessive-compulsive disorder. Your ability to think straight is compromised! A haze comes over your eyes and you can only see the other person through your love-induced state.
That’s why you want to make some critical decisions before you fall in love. It’s a little like figuring out how you’ll get home before you sip that first drink. Most people already have already thought through what they absolutely can’t stand in a relationship. Ladies generally tend to have more substantial criteria, and will write off a guy who is constantly in debt, lives with his mom, or has a roving eye. Guys generally tend to focus more on what they see and have no time for a gal with bad breath, poor social poise or who doesn’t pay attention to her looks.
A major problem in relationships today though, is that we major on minor things and minor on major ones. That’s why our relationships keep blowing up over and over! Most people don’t know a real deal breaker when they see one. The dictionary defines a deal breaker as ‘any issue or factor that is significant enough to terminate a negotiation’. You need to figure out your deal breakers while you’re still sober, and not when you’re already love-high from a relationship!
Some of us have a loooong list of deal-breakers. “He must be taller than me so that I can get married in high heels.” “She must have nice long legs, and cook like my mom does”. But in my new book ‘Finders Keepers: How To Find And Keep The One You Love’ (coming out this March), I describe the only two deal breakers that are critical if you are looking for love that lasts a lifetime.
The first is a common authority. Each one of us has something or someone that serves as our ultimate reference point. Examples are money, career, self, or God. I’m not telling you what your ultimate authority needs to be. But for love to last a lifetime, you need to hook up with someone who subscribes to the same authority.
The second critical deal breaker has to do with passion. You need to connect with someone who values the things that are the most important to you. You may be in different professions but you need to share a bigger passion e.g. to mentor young people, to help poor communities, to preserve the environment, or to advocate for justice.
Do you want a love that lasts? Make the sober decision to only hook up with a person who fits these two criteria!