The Ressurection Of Healthy Dating…

Here are a couple of charts on the progress of a dating relationship. The first shows what many relationships today look like. The second shows what they could look like if some radical couples dared to defy the madness and swim against the culture. Do you hope to enter a dating relationship, are you in one already or do you know some people who may need your wisdom and advise one of these days? Then read on!

THE WAY IT IS…

Stage Length Priority Initiated By Activity
Attraction 0-7 days Get access   to the other person, assess her reaction & if she’s interested Physical   attraction to the other person Figure out how to get them to like me enought to want to go on a date with me
Seduction 1 day   – 2 months Seduce the other person, test the waters to see where this thing could go… Going out on a date Spend   money/time on/with the other person and turn them on them so they want to take it to the next level*
Passion 2-12   months SEX Sensing   the other person is ready to go to the next level Physical   involvement leading to regular sexual involvement**. At this point, we’re officially ‘dating’.
Cohabitation Infinite Cut   bills, assess suitability for marriage Practical   considerations Move   in together. This could happen sooner if the couple is older. At this stage, seeing another person would be considered cheating***

*This is only if you like the person, otherwise sex could happen on day one with no future commitment aka ‘chips funga’
**Don’t hold out for too long or the other person may lose interest
***Note, nobody overtly defines anything. At each stage, our physical involvement is what defines where we are in the relationship

THE WAY IT’S MEANT TO BE…

Stage Length Priority Initiated By Activity
Acquaintance 1-3   months Seeking   wisdom and counsel Attraction   to the other person Prayer,   find out what you can about the other person , get wisdom from close friends &   mentors about your interest
Friendship 3-6   months Build   our friendship in a group setting Expression   of interest Join   the other person’s Life Group and become friends with their friends
Courtship 6-8   months Explore   whether God wants us to get married Define   the relationship Meet   a couple of times exclusively each week in addition to social times in the   group. Serve together. Grow by reading together. Meet their family members   informally. Have an accountability couple
Engagement 6   months Prepare   for marriage Proposal Discuss   important marriage issues. Pray regularly together. Do Ndoa*. Prepare for the   wedding.

Is this practical! Can it work in this day and age? I sincerely believe so, regardless of what Hollywood has indoctrinated us with over the years! If you haven’t already, please check out the Finder’s Keepers series by clicking the following links… 1. Be The One 2. Deal Breakers 3. Buyer’s Remorse 4. Friends With Benefits? Or you can purchase the DVD set at Mavuno Church.

*Ndoa is a 10 week course offered by Mavuno church to help couples build a strong foundation for their marriage. For more info, contact info@mavunochurch.org

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14 responses to “The Ressurection Of Healthy Dating…

  1. Thanks Pastor M, I support this thinking (Chart 2) all the way. It reflects the convictions that I ‘affirmed’ during my own courtship. I was in my forties and my wife was in her late thirties. Most of the courtship was long distance: I was in the US at the time of Mavuno’s inception but J’s Life Group (Ekklesia) was one of those who affiliated with Mavuno and when I returned to Kenya, I joined that Life Group and came to Mavuno. We might have taken the 2006 version of Ndoa but our travel schedule was too heavy.

    I imagine that back in 2005, a lot of people thought I was old-fashioned to use the term “courtship”. I remember being impressed by one (even more “old-fashioned”) book that I read at that time, that emphasized single men and women doing things in groups — possibly to the exclusion of doing things as a couple even up to the time of engagement. I guess that means that we can say to people who consider the advice here extreme that it’s actually middle-of-the-road. And of course God-honouring!

    Consider this at least a testimony that something along these lines CAN “work in this day and age”!

    By the way, in J’s and my case, there were two particular significant events related to the “courtship” phase. Our interaction had been long-distance (e-mail at the time before the explosion of social media) and I asked her if when I spoke of her (as I must) to my friends and relatives, I could say she was my girlfriend. She said yes. After a couple of weeks of spending face to face time and getting to know each other’s family and closest friends, I asked her father “Does our courtship have your blessing?” (She had not been under her father’s roof for many years, so we didn’t feel that it was a matter of asking his permission.)

    That raises the question of how to refer to each other during that courtship phase (more than friend, less than fiancé(e)). Even J thought my term “partner in courtship” more than a bit strange. I guess we should go with “boyfriend” / “girlfriend” and use the opportunity to challenge people’s expectations! (Sorry to raise this question if you’ve answered it in the series!)

    I’m often encouraged by news from Mavuno. Thanks to LinkedIn and your Twitter feed.

  2. Hello im not a member of this great church but i have checked out your website n its great. continue with this great work of reaching out to the precious souls.
    great work pastor! great work mavuno church!!

    George
    Nakuru

  3. The relationship series were right on! My marriage is a product of mentorship & chart #2 – The way it’s meant to be. It does work!!
    Keep teaching God’s word till He comes.

  4. This is the advise that i missing in our generation today. Thanks Pastor M. Its such a timely and informative bit of advise. I trust God to help me do it the correct way.

  5. I do not belong to your wonderful church, but i find myself checking out your website every week.Your articles are informative and interesting.Our generation is in dire need of proper direction.We need mentors for accountability and support.God bless you for the wonderful work.

  6. I am looking forward to dating quite soon and so help me God i will apply the ideal-dating scenario…thanks PasI M…for sharing years worth of experience to help us avoid mistakes.may your cup overflow

  7. wolololo! now i see where i have been going wrong. Thanks for the insight – there’s surely hope.

  8. I am born again and was dating a guy who is not born again until recently when i broke up with him. Thing is he is a very nice guy, and he was very good to me. I still miss him terribly and sometimes the temptation to reconcile with him is overwhelming. How does one deal with the pain, what next? I did not want to end up marrying a non christian, but it is hard to let go of a guy who never wronged me. I need your prayers, and pstr M, that deal breaker sermon really got to me. I wish you could do one on moving on and letting go.

  9. I think this is practical and it can work. Its unfortunate that most men are not willing to wait that long without having a physical relationship but personally I think 6 months is a reasonable amount of time to get to know someone first. My friends consider me old fashioned so on most occasions I prefer to keep my opinions to myself 🙂

  10. Hi Pator M,
    Honestly, I agree with God’s daughter…please answer her question…im in the same dilemma myself and I dont know what to do. Furthermore, I have a child with my ex…told him I need time to figure this out. Please help….

  11. Many months later I still believe in this. However, I do know that there is another way that has been hammered in my head by hollywood and many other norms. So is it easy, no. But there is a way that appears to be right but in the end it leads to death!
    So I chose this narrow unpopular path – but I also cry for God’s help!

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